[WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS]
So You’re a Wallachian Ruler Being Invaded by Turks…
Hello! If you’re reading this, then it means that a ruthless force of Turks is threatening to conquer your quaint Romanian kingdom. But don’t worry! This guide is designed to give you step-by-step instructions on how you can keep your people and your land safe.
First, play it cool when representatives from Sultan Mehmed II come to you and demand tribute. Then choke down your chortle at their absurd request for a thousand young boys, considering that your people number no more than a few hundred at the most. Next, you’re going to want to brutally murder several of their soldiers when they come to take your only son as a royal hostage.
You’re going to want to hurry now, because your Turkish enemies, being clearly endowed with magical powers, will hear about your attack within moments, despite you not leaving any survivors, and will teleport an entire army hundreds of miles to lay siege to your castle in the span of a single afternoon. But relax. All you need to do now is visit the undead vampire living in a cave high up on a nearby mountain. You remember him, right? The creature responsible for the deaths of countless men and women over a period of centuries within walking distance of your home? Yes, that one. Now, this next part is crucial: drink his blood. Contrary to popular belief, this will only temporarily turn you into a vampire. You’ll get a free, 3-day sample of vampirism that will only become permanent if you drink human blood. Now that you’re an unholy hell-beast, the fun can really begin!
First, return to your besieged castle and massacre the entire enemy host. This may sound difficult, but your new powers will be great and the fighting itself will be poorly shot and edited, so you’ll be perfectly alright. Now, in the few hours before sunrise, impale all of the corpses on spikes, uproot your people, even the sick and elderly, and move them countless leagues away to your other castle high up in the mountains. You may be shocked to discover that those teleportin’ Turks are at it again, traveling hundreds of miles up into Moldova so they can strike at you from the north. But you’ll be safe once you get to your mountain retreat.
At least you will be until the third day, when your people figure out that you’re a vampire and try to kill you despite the fact that you are literally their only salvation against the blood-thirsty Turkish army. Peasants. What are you gonna do? Anyhow, after surviving the attack, wage war against the assembled Turkish forces and decimate them with really cheesy CGI attacks.
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Next, fly back to your castle. While you’ve been wasting millions on cheap animation, Sultan Mehmed II has teleported past your army, defenses, and guards undetected so he can knock your wife off a cliff and kidnap your son. After smacking yourself for not making the murder of Sultan Mehmed II literally the first thing you did after becoming a vampire, drink your wife’s blood and make your vampirism permanent. She may have just fallen over a thousand feet off a cliff and landed on a carpet of rocks, but she’ll be conscious and coherent enough to confirm that you’re doing the right thing. You may feel like things can’t get any worse with your family gone, your people murdered, and your narrative hijacked by abysmal screenwriting and nonexistent direction. But never fear! In a few hundred years F.W. Murnau and Max Schreck will make a GOOD movie about you!
3/10
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