Ah, Valentine’s Day. A day designated to celebrate love. But this day can also be a painful reminder that not all love stories have happy endings, and just because a couple has stayed together doesn’t mean they should remain together. This list of the best anti-love stories showcases the worst of the worst, and just how horrible the consequences of love gone bad can really be. Happy Valentine’s Day!
10. Seven Brides For Seven Brothers
They say you always kidnap the ones you love. Wait, nobody says that, and for good reason. Seven Brides For Seven Brothers may be a cheery musical with impressive dance numbers about the bygone days of 1850s Oregon, but it gets dark quickly. The eldest of the titular brothers quickly talks himself into a wife (after singing about how the other women in town are either taken or don’t meet his physical requirements), then persuades the rest of his brothers to do as the Romans did. So they go into town at night and kidnap their love interests, who are initially angry and frightened, but end up forgiving their captors and falling in love with them. Everyone ends up reconciling and marrying, which seems like a clear case of Stockholm Syndrome with all seven couples, none of whom should be together.
9. Not Another Teen Movie
Teen movies seem to be growing up, what with offerings like Juno, The Diary of a Teenage Girl, and The Edge of Seventeen, but Not Another Teen Movie is a reminder that the road was slowgoing. In this sendup of all the genre’s staples, Jake (Chris Evans in one of his earliest roles) and Janey (Chyler Leigh) are the rich, popular jock and impoverished, bespectacled nerd, respectively. Jake takes a bet that he can’t transform Janey into a prom queen, gets her a makeover, and the two of course start to fall for each other. Not Another Teen Movie not only shows us how ridiculous this premise and all the tropes that come with it are, it has Molly Ringwald herself show up to tell Jake and Janey just how dysfunctional their relationship is, and just why Janey should leave and go to art school…in Paris. Seriously, why did she not just get on the plane??!!!
8. Heathers
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You know the guy who seems cool at first, but then turns out to be way more than you bargained for? Yeah, we’ve all been there, but Veronica (Winona Ryder) takes a more extreme route than most when she falls for J.D. (Christian Slater). She’s tired of her cool clique and their cruelty, and J.D. first seems like a way to have love while retaining a certain mystique. But soon, their revenge against the popular kids escalates from pranks to murder, with Veronica and J.D. bringing out a kind of insanity in each other that made this dark satirical comedy a cult classic.
7. 500 Days of Summer
From the beginning, we are warned that this movie is not a love story, and 500 Days of Summer follows through. Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is convinced he’ll never be happy till he finds The One, while Summer (Zooey Deschanel) believes that love is just a fantasy. Tom believes that they have enough in common to convince her to make their relationship serious, but he’s hampered by his inability to understand Summer, or the nature of love itself. The painful realizations this leads him to are delivered with all the quirk and humor of a traditional romantic comedy, making its many bitter pills easier to swallow.
6. The Love Witch
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Elaine (Samantha Robinson) is the titular witch obsessed with love and finding that one special man. The problem is, Elaine not only wants a man, she needs one. She has transformed herself into the ultimate fantasy object, and she demands that the men she chooses live up to her own fairy tale fantasies in return. No one can ever satisfy such expectations, so it’s hardly a surprise that Elaine quickly gets dissatisfied, and soon leaves a trail of bodies and emotional devastation in her wake.
5. The Heartbreak Kid
Guy meets girl, guy romances girl, guy marries girl. Happy ending. Only Lenny (Charles Grodin) believes he’s made a mistake even before their honeymoon is over. Then during their honeymoon, a coldly beautiful blonde named Kelly catches his eye. Soon, Lenny, a lifelong New Yorker, is dumping his wife and following Kelly (Cybill Shepherd) to Minnesota to persuade her to marry him. Worst idea ever, and not just because of timing. Then again, these two just may deserve each other. She’s spoiled and unloving; he’s pathetic and unable to see the truth about himself, his choices, and especially his relationships.
4. Blue Valentine
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Watching a marriage fall apart is painful enough. But Blue Valentine really gives us the feels by showing, through periodic flashbacks, of how spouses Dean (Ryan Gosling) and Cindy (Michelle Williams) met and tied the knot in the first place. The contrast between where they were and where they are is heartbreaking, as the film also pours salt in the wound by reminding us just how rare true love and happy marriages really are. There’s no happy couple to act as a ray of light in the darkness of Blue Valentine, just a reminder of how heartrending it is when we not only commit to the wrong person, but also can’t find the strength to walk away from a bad thing.
3. Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Sometimes a marriage is more like an addiction, with both parties hooked on the high of getting the last word and playing the darkest game. George (Richard Burton) and Martha (Elizabeth Taylor) are the type of couple who bring out the worst in each other. They are both repulsed by and in desperate need of their worse half, a combination that has dire consequences for not only them, but for their guests, a newly married couple.
2. 45 Years
There are few things worse than getting to the end of your life and realizing you haven’t really lived it. But reaching your autumn years and realizing that your spouse may never have really loved you might be even worse. Sadly, Kate comes to this conclusion after the body of her husband Geoff’s former lover is discovered just as they’re planning their 45th anniversary party. Hidden truths are revealed, wounds are both inflicted and reopened, and soon Kate isn’t sure whether their love can sustain a party, let alone the remaining years of their marriage.
1. The War of the Roses
When Danny DeVito is not only the moral center, but voice of reason in your film, that’s when you know things have gotten really bad. But bad doesn’t even begin to describe the carnage that results when Barbara (Kathleen Turner) decides she wants to divorce her husband Oliver (Michael Douglas), and he is unable to accept that she doesn’t want him anymore. Their once happy marriage and loving relationship quickly turns into something monstrous, transforming their beautiful home into a literal war zone as they destroy possessions, pets, and eventually, each other.
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