“Hurry up! We got bitches waiting on us!”
I honestly can’t tell you who said it because the opening scene the line it’s a part of, if you can imagine this, is a cold open of teenage boys speeding down a street manically cheering, while Taylor Lautner has spasms of excitement on the hood of the car. I’ve never seen anything quite like it, at least not that I can remember. Anyways, in Abduction, Lautner plays Nathan, a front hood riding, extreme martial artist, ridiculously cut, wrestling team superstar that somehow can’t talk to a girl he likes… Oh yeah and he’s like a secret agent’s son or something, it’s really not that important.
Abduction is like watching a high school theatre production of an action movie where the director/writer/English teacher/failed actor wants to show his true untapped potential but is constantly reminded by the principal that his opus is for kids. Ever the determined show runner, he shoehorns kid-ish clichés into his beloved script. Suddenly, Lautner’s muscly jock is being called “freak” by the hot chick’s clearly much older boyfriend so we can relate or something. A combat training scene between Lautner and his father that likens itself more to child abuse is played for laughs; even though in reality, it’s a 40-something-year-old man full on punching his hungover teenage son repeatedly in the face for staying out too late at a party.
The real problem with Abduction is that the script isn’t changed to accommodate the “for kids” add-ons. So one moment you’ll have mild PG suspense moments, then suddenly a Slavic gangster hitman will burst through the door with a 9mm and threaten to cut off the leading lady’s fingers if she doesn’t tell where Lautner is. The next scene, the hitman is in Lautner’s room and Lautner KILLS him. The next scene, the female lead is seen again with all her fingers and the hitman is never spoken of again. This is a dumb movie. I just want to add real quickly that I know this movie is meant to capitalize on Twilight fan runoff and to that I say, “Good for you movie.”
The best and worst part of this movie is the ending. This movie has the worst ending of an action movie ever. Before you classify this as just straight-on hating, imagine Die Hard right when John McClain meets Hans Gruber for the final showdown. They’re sizing each other up, the whole scene is tense, and just when they pull their guns out Hans Gruber is shot in the face by a sniper and the FBI rush in and is all like “Dude we totally got it from here but thanks!” and with a shit-eating grin, McClain gives the camera an enthusiastic “thumbs up.” Roll credits.
The best part of the movie is when Nathan’s real father (spoiler, I guess?) calls him and has a final talk with the son he never had. This is literally the ONLY scene that feels genuine. The dialogue is spot on and the emotions on both ends of the conversation play the emotions just right. I truly wish it was used in a better movie than this… But it wasn’t. In conclusion, Taylor Lautner is a ripped, pig-faced, Ken doll, who made a shitty movie… And I saw it. Coincidentally, situations such as these are precisely why I’m smart enough to know I shouldn’t vote anymore.
Note: I didn’t mention any of the other actors in the movie because honestly it would just be a waste of time.