Their herbal experimentation is cut short by the police—but no worries, Hot Dad gets Jenna out of being arrested. He’s disappointed in his daughter’s behavior, while Ma Lacey is only disappointed Jenna got caught. Both are trying to discipline her without being hypocritical—meaning they’re both high during this conversation.
Ally’s back, and she’s driving Sadie to school! Sadie has been staying with her uncle and Ally while her parents work out their money issues. They close their morning conversation with “Slut,” and “Bitch—have a good day sweetie!”
Jenna proves that you haven’t even SEEN self-centered yet when she deigns to talk to her friends since she needs to unload her story and find out about Matty’s new love interest. Tamara and Ming blow her off, demanding an apology for Jenna’s text attack (during which she called them “Tr8rs!” which, as we know, is UNFORGIVEABLE, what with that awful butchery of the English language) and explaining that there were real reasons they weren’t given the chance to explain for ditching Jenna’s barbeque. Instead of apologizing, Jenna expresses relief at not being friends with them anymore, since now she doesn’t have to hear all about T’s quest to be popular. Tamara ends the conversation, declaring that being friends with Jenna is “exhausting.” Giiiiiirl, I’m with you.
Jenna’s being ostracized for her abysmal behavior and Matty, that beautiful boy, decides he needs to check on her, especially in light of her near-arrest. He’s met with some pretty dick comments on Jenna’s part, these being, “They should mind their own business, and so should you. Go back to slumming it with your rebound skank.” What. A. Bitch. Matty is peeved and tells her that she needs to check her facts—he was slumming it with her. Considering all of Jenna’s recent behavior, I don’t feel bad for her at all here.
Jenna walks into her house to find Ma Lacey, Ally, and Sadie, a discovery that doesn’t increase her charms. After a retort from her, Ally says, “You, Lil Bitch, are the best argument for abortion.” Sadies eyes light up as she agrees, finding common ground with her new(ish) aunt for the first time. Ally waxes on about her troubles getting pregnant, claiming that adoption won’t allow her to screw up a baby from the start.
Jenna sneaks Colin into the house and steals her parents’ stash in order to “hold him over.” What, is he a meth addict? NO. He’s some dude who likes to smoke pot so he can pretend to be deeply philosophical. I think he can hold himself over fine. Sadie catches her, letting her know that Colin is going to ditch her like she ditched Matty because of karma. Jenna throws it back in her face, pointing at her recent poverty and homelessness. For this reason, I don’t feel bad when Sadie rats Jenna out to her mother.
Hot Dad flips out, branding Colin a bad influence and taking away Jenna’s phone. Ma Lacey smuggles Jenna’s phone back to her, the only ask being that Jenna take a break from the Colin stuff for a bit. Ma Lacey leaves the room and Jenna metaphorically spits in her face, calling Colin to come pick her up in secret.
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Jenna frequently stops to bitch and complain about her friends and Matty while hooking up with Colin, which is clearly starting to wear on Colin. Thank god, because the Stepford Colin that was super understanding all the time was weird and not believable. He senses that she doesn’t want to have sex, and since he doesn’t want to if she doesn’t want to, he stops what they’re doing. I thought that he seemed totally cool with not rushing into their relationship, but Jenna bugged and decided that if she didn’t have sex with him in that moment, she would lose him. In her current situation, I understand why she feels she needs him, but that jump was a little much, and didn’t give Colin a whole lot of credit where he actually deserved it.
Jenna walks into her room crying, upset and confused over taking the next step before she was ready. She’s relieved to find her mother since she needs to talk, but Ma Lacey isn’t having any of her shit—she defended Jenna, and all she got was lied to in return. She demands that Jenna wake her father up to tell him she snuck out.
Sadie’s mother hasn’t been in rehab relaxing—she was at a spa and then in Santa Fe with her new boyfriend. Surprise! She’s moving Sadie out there. The duo meets with Val, where Sadie declares she wants to be emancipated. Since that’s a complicated process, Val instead suggests getting a “superficial, brutally honest, wealthy, bitchy” guardian to act in Sadie’s mother’s stead. Ally happens to be in the room to tell them that’s exactly how she describes herself on Facebook. Once that’s settled, Sadie and her mother have a rather heartbreaking goodbye—heartbreaking since her mother clearly doesn’t care, and Sadie is visibly coming to terms with having parents who couldn’t give a shit. SADIE. FOR. PROTAGONIST. Look! I waited until the end of this recap for my weekly battle cry.
Jenna feels lonely, but doesn’t want to apologize. So instead, she cuts class with Colin to get high. Yaaaaawn. Next week, our girl T can’t let Jenna Amanda Bynes-ify herself, so they create an after school special based on their current lives. As one does.
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