At the cleanest (and most fictional) subway platform in all the land, Riley and Maya see Jackee Harry again, this time sporting quite a spiffy hat. Riley invents an ice skater backstory for her, but Maya thinks she’s just a bum on a bench. Crazy Hat has been observing their friendship and advises them to be good people. She then leaves to go speak at the UN, convincing the girls that she’s not all there in the head. “How does that happen to someone Maya?” Riley asks, launching her latest crisis. This was not the strongest opening sequence this show has ever seen.
History class: this week, Cory is talking Belgium in 1831. Has this curriculum been approved by anyone? Because there’s absolutely no narrative structure here. Riley can’t focus: “What’s my thing? What’s going to happen to me? Am I going to be okay?” Cory walks over to respond: “Riley, listen to me: in 1831 Belgium declared its independence.” He ignores her crisis, but I can’t help but wonder if any of the other students resent Riley and company, considering Cory’s usual M.O. is to ignore everyone who isn’t that quartet. Farkle interjects to answer my question: “My education should not be based on your daughter’s mood!” Preach, Farkle. With that, Cory throws away his history lesson for this week’s life lesson: how you affect people is the only thing that matters. They’re going to learn this lesson by exploring capitalism in a contained environment.
Cory pairs up Riley/Farkle and Lucas/Maya as rival muffin companies, completely ignoring the rest of the students. Farkle’s ecstatic to start making money. “If I had a company, I would treat my employees well and make sure we did right by our customers,” Lucas declares. Farkle exclaims that Lucas is everything wrong with this country. Looks like Anya from Buffy the Vampire Slayer has someone to teach the Dance of Capitalist Superiority! “You’re cute when you’re menacing,” Maya says to him. “I don’t know what to do now,” Farkle says, his eyes wide. LIFERS.
Piles of unsold muffins surround Lucas and Maya—their organic, healthy product isn’t high in demand. Business booms for Riley and Farkle, as their product is lousy with sugar, or judging by the twitching of the students, crystal meth. Riley is upset that Farkle lied to their customers, having told them that the muffins were all natural and organic. Farkle proposes a merger between the two companies: “We have profits, they have integrity. And I’m buying it!” Lucas refuses; his integrity is not for sale! That is, until Maya reminds him that they owe his mother $100 for ingredients. Farkle celebrates the merger by firing Riley and Maya.
At a bit of a loss, the girls return to the subway station. Crazy Hat tells them money isn’t the key to happiness; helping other people is. They should take a look around and see what they can do. They take in the grumpy, soaked commuters. The people need umbrellas!
Riley and Maya present their plans for a non-profit that would allow people to take an umbrella when they leave a subway stop and leave it when they return to the train. People are skeptical until their investor strolls in. Crazy Hat’s name is actually Evelyn Rand, chairman of Rand Industries. She gives the girls a check to start their business, along with her umbrella, her hat, and instructions not to worry so much about their futures.
Over at the apartment Matthews, Auggie wants money from Topanga. Topanga assumes it’s for HER birthday present, so she hands over a ten dollar bill. Of course, Auggie uses the money to buy presents for UGH AVA. The six-year-old terror saunters in, showing off her costume jewelry and plastic tiara. “Look at what Auggie bought me—what did he buy for you?” she asks Topanga. Topanga SENDS Auggie into the next room under the guise of hide and seek. UGH AVA demands a raise is Auggie’s allowance, so Topanga throws her out into the hallway. “I don’t have any money left. Who’s going to love me now?!” Auggie asks. Topanga hugs him and he concedes that what they have is pretty good. The Topanga/Auggie scenes are both funny and adorable, but I wish the family saw each other more…