Previously on Awkward.: every single student who used or looked at the Dude Database received a message telling them that Jenna deleted it, thus linking her directly to the highly controversial drama factory.
Palos Hills High School is now facing the “Great Repression,” the biggest hook-up drought they’ve ever seen. The boys are furious about the rankings on the Dude Database. They have every right to be, but I must point out that it’s a wee bit hypocritical of them, no? Or have we forgotten the legacy of the Phone Book so quickly? Negative feelings are being concentrated on Jenna; when she opens her locker, a flood of blue balls falls out. “You gave them to us, now we’re giving them back!” some rando says. I’m back to having trouble finding any sympathy for their plight. “I am NOT becoming Pariah Carey over this!” Tamara yells.
Lissa is having a bit of a spiritual crisis. Val calls her in to talk about her latest history paper (titled “God is Totally Dead, You Guys”), and Lissa spills. Ever since her father was sent to gay rehab and her mom sent Tyler away, she’s having trouble keeping faith in God’s plan. Val thinks that’s all very well and good, but Lissa was supposed to be writing a paper about FDR’s New Deal.
Unfortunately for Val, her boy William is going out of town for Valentine’s Day weekend, regardless of how many Val-related hints she drops. Sergio is also missing out on Valentine’s Day, since he can’t afford to take off from the food truck. “I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON A CHALUPA,” Sadie yells, not nearly as calm as Val about the situation.
Jenna has a solution to the school’s plight: a party bus! “Plenty of nasty nooks and crannies to get your freak on!” Jenna says. That’s probably the worst argument I’ve ever heard for something in my life. Jenna’s pleased to find out that Matty isn’t holding the Dude Database against her. In fact, she’s more than willing to help break the hook up drought with him, only he brought Gabby as his date. Jake shows up as old Jake (meaning with a haircut and his varsity jacket) and catches Tamara’s eye.
“That’s not a party bus, that’s a stripper’s meth lab,” one of the gay hipsters declares, observing their transportation and its very sketchy driver. Jenna tries to keep everyone’s spirits up by giving the stripper pole a whirl, but it breaks instead. The party is fading fast, so Jenna suggests Never Have I Ever, though they can’t have open containers of alcohol due to the driver’s past DUIs. While they play with warm water, Matty reveals Jake’s MILF situation and Gabby and Matty have a cute mini golf moment. In a bout of jealousy, Jenna says “Never have I ever taken someone’s virginity,” reminding the entire room that Matty took hers. She drinks as well, sparking Matty’s jealousy and curiosity. Jenna finds a hotel room key and Matty explains that it’s his for that night. No one is happy.
They arrive at the dance, effectively killing their ill-fated game. Lissa finds a small light blue tablet. “I love candy hearts! Who’s Molly?” She says before tossing it back. The hipsters realize that she took one of their party favors and are excited to see the outcome. They encourage her to stroke Sadie.
No one can get drunk at the dance, as the driver drank all their booze and passed out over the steering wheel. The animosity towards Jenna really amps up. “WTFWFDRD? What the fuck would FDR do?” Jenna thinks before getting up on stage and giving a really horrible speech about romance and Valentine’s Day. Tamara finally steps in to save her friend. “Quit being harassholes to Jenna, she didn’t make the Dude Database alone, I was her accomplice!” she announces. If I remember correctly, Jenna actually just kind of cheered Tamara on distractedly while TAMARA created the whole thing, but whatever.
Lissa kisses Sadie, breaking the hook up drought. Tamara and Jake hook up, bringing our girl T the climax she’s been waiting for. Val is trying to connect with Sadie over their date-less status, but Sergio shows up. “Sorry Val, can’t join you in your spinster suicide pact just yet,” Sadie says, all smiles. Will also shows up—he lied to Val about being away in order to properly stalk her, just like old times. This relationship creeps me out. The only person besides Jenna not hooking up with someone is Matty—due to Jenna’s actions on the bus, Gabby bailed.
After the dance, everyone’s back to acting normal. “Now you can add Life Ruiner to your list of accomplishments, right after Suicide Girl and before Moody Slut,” Sadie says. Back to normal indeed. Jenna apologizes to Matty: “Never have I ever acted like such an immature idiot!” I think everyone on this show needs a lesson in how Never Have I Ever actually works. Matty is chill; he and Gabby talked and they’re going to take things slow. Gabby is a virgin, and some things are worth waiting for, after all. Jenna is stricken: Gabby was worth waiting for, but she wasn’t? I can’t tell if there’s any sort of shade in what Matty said, but I think Jenna is already looking too far into this. Looks like our Miss J will never learn her lesson: not everything is about Jenna.
Episode Rating: 7/10