Ah, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: premiere night for The Royals, E!’s newest drama created by Mark Schwahn (yes, that’s right–of One Tree Hill fame) that follows a modern, fictional British royal family. Let’s dive in.
THE SITUATION: THE PRINCE IS DEAD
Not Prince Liam, that is—his and Eleanor’s older brother, Robert. All of the members of the Royal family have been called back to the palace for his funeral.
MEET THE ROYALS (AND FRIENDS)
Queen Helena (Elizabeth Hurley)
We learn a lot about Queen Helena in one line of dialogue: “I’m the Queen of England. When am I not ready?” Helena is always press-ready—to the point where she would barely grieve her son due to the expectations she levels on herself.
Prince Liam (William Moseley)
The death of his brother leaves Liam next in line for throne, a position for which he doesn’t seem prepared. After hooking up with a girl at college who turns out to be closer to his family than he thinks, he proceeds to ask her out even though his mother disapproves.
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Princess Eleanor (Alexandra Park)
Cut to a Paris nightclub: Natalia Kills’s “Problem” is playing, meaning I’m inclined to like the person to whom we’re about to be introducted. Enter Princess Eleanor in a sparkly minidress, who greets her friend: “Bitch, your coked up ass better curtsey.” Partying montage ensues. As the closest sibling to Robert, she is absolutely devastated by the news and proceeds to bury her grief with booze and drugs.
Ophelia (Merrit Patterson)
The girl Liam hooked up with is Ophelia, daughter of Ted, the Head of Security. He’s rather peeved that Ophelia slept with Prince Liam. We learn that they recently lost Ophelia’s mother and that Ted doesn’t want the same thing to happen to his daughter. When Queen Helena tries to threaten Ophelia into refusing Liam’s request for coffee, Ophelia stands strong.
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King Simon (Vincent Regan)
The King seems to be a solid ruler and a legitimately good human. He wants to ask Parliament for a referendum to abolish the monarchy in order to protect his family from further heartache.
Uncle Cyrus (Jake Maskall)
Luckily, Eleanor spells out everything we need to know about her uncle: “I would have thought you’d be happy, dear uncle! After all, you’re one step closer to the throne. All you have to do is wait for your brother to die, then kill Liam! Oh, and kill me too, of course.” Also, he apparently abuses his position and forces the staff to bestow sexual favors upon him.
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Jasper (Tom Austen)
Jasper’s entry as Princess Eleanor’s newest guard shows him to be nervous and easily fooled. After a drunken night of debauchery, Jasper reveals himself to be a royal dick—he drugged Eleanor and recorded the whole sordid night on his phone in order to blackmail her. Yeesh.
ON THE PLUS SIDE:
- The Surprisingly Sweet Relationship Between Eleanor and King Simon
After watching Queen Helena and Princess Eleanor spew vitriol at each other for most of the episode, it was nice to see the positive bond between Eleanor and her father. Simon is totally aware and understanding of Eleanor’s escapades, while the Princess supports her father’s decision about abolishing the monarchy. - Elizabeth Hurley’s Fabulous Delivery of Queen Helena’s Snark
One of my favorites, this one directed at Prince Liam and Princess Eleanor: “We script you because we can’t trust either of you to come up with a reasonably coherent thought.” - Ophelia’s Refusal to Cave to Helena’s Demands
Queen Helena puts up a pretty good intimidation game—she threatens Ted’s job and throws a mention of Ophelia’s dead mother in her face (“If you still had a mother you’d have better manners.”), but Ophelia isn’t having any of it. She basically says, “Nah,” and goes for coffee with the Prince anyway. - The Buddying Friendship Between Eleanor and Ophelia
Or at least, what I hope is a budding friendship between the two of them—with drinking, kind words about deceased family members, and a common enemy in Queen Helena, what more could you ask for in future besties?
HOWEVER…
- Uncle Cyrus and His Overdone Storyline
I’m over the whole smarmy-dude-sexually-harrasses-and-coerces-the-help thing. I would gladly strike his entire character from the show. - Ophelia’s Dialogue Delivery Can Be a Bit Much
- Prince Liam Falls by the Wayside
In light of everything else that happens in the inaugural episode of The Royals, Prince Liam’s storyline is kind of forgettable—when it comes to his scenes with Ophelia, she is the one who kind of steals the show. I will, however, give him the bonding moment with his security guard Marcus.
THE FINAL VERDICT:
Shiny royal fun that can help the void the Gossip Girl left in your life for all things dramatic, wealthy, and a bit tawdry (emphasis on HELP, since nothing can fill that void, tbh). Actually, it ended up being less tawdry than I was expecting. I’ll definitely be tuning in for more.
Are you watching The Royals? Did you find it too tawdry, or just tawdry enough? Sound off in the comments, commoners.
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