Spring break: quality time to wallow in self-pity, according to J. Ally kills this plan by renting a beach house in Mexico that the whole Family Hamilton is invited to. Jenna’s not open to the plan, still bitter that Ma Lacey got into college and she didn’t. Ma Lacey asks Jenna to not tell her dad, but Jenna’s never been one to hold back when she’s feeling spiteful. Kevin is pissed that Ma Lacey didn’t tell him and mockingly asks if she’s going to join a sorority. Isn’t she too old for all this? The only non-vile person in the Hamilton kitchen right now is Ma Lacey. I’m rather disgusted with how Jenn and her father are reacting to their mother’s news that she’s finally going to college.
In addition to her self-pity, Jenna’s feeling guilty over her and Matty’s drunken hook up. I have a feeling we’re about to see the repercussions from their indiscretion, as Sadie invited Gabby and Matty to the beach house as well. Gabby thanks Jenna for helping with the party again, to twist the guilt knife more. Jenna wants to come clean, but Matty feels no need.
Sadie needs something from the hipsters. She can’t afford Columbia and refuses to go into debt for forty years, so she’s banking on getting the Elsa Hag Scholarship, which requires a one minute video showing who she really is. She enlists their filming expertise and takes Jake on as an image consultant to help her come off as sweet and sincere. “You’re vanilla ice cream boring but everyone likes it because it’s bland, benign…”, she explains. He agrees in spite of her insult.
Matty visits J in her bedroom to talk about his birth dad. Gabby shows up to replace the tequila Matty drank and expresses relief that Jenna will be on the trip—she’s scared of Sadie and is glad that she’ll have a real friend there. LADIES. Let’s get all this out into the open, explain that MATTY kissed Jenna, and be awesome as besties with no one dating Mr. McKibben. I think that’s the best way to deal with this situation. Jenna kicks Matty out, advising him to talk this stuff out with his girlfriend instead.
Sadie manages to smile through a totally fake speech about socioeconomic backgrounds and gilded cages for her video. “Did we get it? Because if I have to smile for one more minute I’m going to puke.” She fires the gay hipsters when they’re done shooting the video, beckoning Jake to edit it instead.
Gabby goes to Jenna about what happened after Matty’s surprise party and Jenna is relieved, saying that it meant nothing and they were just sad. Gabby’s face drops. OF COURSE Matty didn’t tell her the truth! She tells the two of them to have a good time on spring break and storms off. Matty’s pissed at Jenna, but I’m having trouble sympathizing with him on this one.
Intimidation nation alludes to Jenna being trash, tipping Tamara off to the current drama. Jenna spills and our girl T rolls her eyes. “How could you be so stupid! When are you going to learn? Old boyfriends are like chips, NO DOUBLE DIPPING.” Tamara is pissed when Jenna won’t tell her about Matty’s parents and leaves. Our girl J is 0 for 2.
Tamara introduces Sadie’s video on the school’s morning show, which is a disaster of cursing and racism. Sadie threatens the hipsters, but they can’t take credit—it was all Jake. She’s relieved that he didn’t send it to Columbia—he only did this to make her realize that she could have a clean slate at Columbia to treat other people better. “Maybe you’re not as big of a bitch as everyone thinks you are,” Jake says. “No,” Sadie says to herself with a smile. “I totally am.”
Jenna presses Matty to talk to Gabby—he needs to explain the parents situation to her. Once she understands, they can all go on spring break. He refuses; he’s not ready to talk to her, only to Jenna. Jenna’s moping in her room, refusing to go shopping with Ma Lacey. “Is this about me going to college?” Ma Lacey asks. “No, this is not about you, not everything is about you!” Jenna yells at Ma Lacey, throwing words at her that we’ve all been yelling at Jenna for years. Jenna thinks that Ma Lacey tries to be better than her at every opportunity, so Ma Lacey makes the decision not to go to college. Kevin informs Jenna that he already mailed in her tuition check and calms Jenna down. “Why’s it so hard to be friends with exes?” Jenna asks. Kevin explains that dudes’ hearts and heads are usually in different places.
Jenna goes to Matty with her findings about his dad, having narrowed it down to three possibilities. One of them lives an hour from Ally’s beach house. “I did not ask you to do this,” Matty says, not unkindly. Sometimes you need to be a friend even when the other person doesn’t think they need it. Kevin gives Jenna her mother’s personal statement, which explains that Ma Lacey wants to fix herself and make Jenna proud. She hugs her, telling her she’s not quite okay with the whole college thing, but will be. Matty comes clean to Gabby, explaining that he’s scared to meet his biological father and would like her there with him. All is right in the Awkward. world once more.