The Donkey Kong series has given us adventures across DK Island liberating it from pirates, Icelandic penguins, and mountains of collectibles. For decades, after these adventures, DK and friends will kick back and swing in the trees and enjoy a banana hoard as a reward. Every once in a while though they need to socialize, be it in a wrestling competition, kart racing, golfing or otherwise. But sometimes you just need to let loose and party.
As the world’s second most iconic ape, Donkey Kong, reaches his 40th anniversary of taking arcades by storm in 1981, we want to celebrate the well-dressed gorilla. If we’re going to celebrate something, we’d be throwing a little get-together, right? It’s been a long time since the beginning of the dark ages, and we’ve all missed going to parties. Of course, you can’t just invite anyone as your plus one to a party of such magnitude. A 40-year career party is a big deal, and you don’t want some guy to come alongside you with a bag of Ring Dings and Pepsi. Luckily, we’ve assessed the cast and acquaintances of the Donkey Kong family from across the ages and done very serious consideration on who should be included on an invite list for any occasion, be it a birthday party, a wedding, graduation, retirement, or just a typical night of friends with an infuriating round of Mario Party, these are how we would rank the DK Crew from worst to best social companion.
Be sure you bring a bunch of bundles of bananas in your backpack because you’re gonna be needing them!
Swanky Kong
He’ll try to sell people stuff and make them join a pyramid scheme. He even looks like Bernie Madoff. He also hasn’t been seen since 1996 even if you did want to reach him. Very mysterious.
Donkey Kong Jr. & Kiddie Kong
They’re literally babies. Not necessarily bad, but keep that in mind. DK Jr. can at least do some creative math solutions.
Wrinkly Kong
You may as well be bringing your grandma!
Cranky Kong
Cranky is old, whiny, and a conspiracy theorist. He has a tendency to just give people experimental drugs and tell them to shrug off the side effects. He will be guaranteed to condescend to you about things you already know. However, he can DJ if needed.
King K Rool
He’s not a Kong, but he’s an absolute goddamn troll, and really fun at costume parties. He has a particularly good Pirate and Mad Scientists costume he’ll use any chance he gets to. K Rool is also never seen without conjunctivitis. He also has a penchant for kidnapping monkeys and stealing people’s food.
Advertisement
Lanky Kong
Lanky is a total hipster. Just look at him. He will, at some point in the evening, force people to play and dance to Ska. It might even get worse, he may embarrass you by breaking out his trombone. That said, he does some fun handstand races as a party trick.
Chunky Kong
Chunky is our favorite Himbo. Built like a linebacker, he can lift anything you need. However, he might break a few tables and walls. He’s extremely polite and loves animals, but just be aware he has a lot of anxiety issues, so sometimes you got to give him his space. He can play the triangle to entertain any kids. Keep him away from pineapples and fire unless you want something to explode on purpose.
Tiny Kong
Dixie Kong’s younger sister. Chunky, and Kiddie’s cousin. She’s been great at darts since she was a child. She’s also a great photographer with the ability to capture paranormal photos of local cryptids like the Banana Fairies. An aspiring model and absolute sass-master and Saxophone player, she currently works a job doing everyone’s Taxes, so she likes to go bananas whenever she can.
Candy Kong
Basically like inviting the monkey version of Brittney Spears. Everyone loves her. You’ll be spending all night swatting the creepers away, though. Candy is an all-around entrepreneur, using her skills to sell musical instruments, dance lessons, fitness training, and probably a Tik Tok influencer of some kind. Don’t ask about her grunge phase in the ‘90s, she tries to forget it.
Advertisement
Funky Kong
World traveler, pyrotechnics artist, surfer, musician, veteran. Funky Kong does it all and is an absolute Chad as he does so. He’s tough as nails and the coolest of cool cats. When he’s around everything is easier and everyone gets to enjoy life on Funky Mode. That said, his brand of cool might be outdated nowadays. He is the herald of cool from the days people still got frosted tips, cargo pants, tinted sunglasses, and puka shell necklaces. You might think it’s funny when he says “cowabunga, dude” but the Gen Zers will cringe so hard they disappear into thin air.
Diddy Kong & Dixie Kong
They’re that inseparable couple that you can always count on for good company. Both Diddy and Dixie will bring their crunchy electric guitars and several pound bags of peanuts ready to entertain. Depending on who you’re with they may find him annoying. He might break a few things when he brings out the peanut guns and the jetpack. Dixie is a sweetie, the smartest of the bunch, but her hair might get caught in a ceiling fan if she does her spinning stunt too many times.
Donkey Kong
Once upon a time DK was super toxic but turned a new leaf 30 years ago after getting bonked on the head. Donkey Kong is just an excellent man you can count on. He treats everyone with respect, and he always wears a tie. Can play most mid-2000’s pop songs on his bongos by request, the only one of which that is still culturally relevant is All Star by Smash Mouth. Don’t let him shoot coconuts at anyone unless you wanna take them to the hospital. He does have a hoarding problem with his bananas, but getting him out of the man cave is usually a good thing for him.
Pauline
She herself is not a Kong but is the clear undisputed winner as one of the series’ original characters that have turned herself into a triple threat. Pauline is the hard-working mayor of New Donk City. She’s a talented jazz singer, very used to being recognized wherever she goes for her talents. She’s an excellent sportsman as an up-and-coming tennis and golf athlete. You’ll never lose her in the crowd because she’s pretty tall. For about 40 years she has been trying to separate herself from being known as the girl captured by Donkey Kong that one time in the 80’s so trying not to bring it up.
Advertisement
What is your tier ranking? Who would you bring as your plus one in the DK Crew? Are you going to also be unable to forget Swanky Kong’s terrifying face? Share your picks with us on social media @theyoungfolks and wish Donkey Kong a very happy 40th birthday!
Advertisement
