It’s the most wonderful time of the year. No, I’m not just talking about tax return season (which is pretty wonderful too), but I mean awards season! Who will win best actor? Best director? Best Picture? Who cares? Every year, I submit a new category to the Academy, and every year it gets ignored. Sexiest Villain! These would have been the nominees:
Javier Bardem in Skyfall
He makes mommy issues look sexy.
Leonardo Dicaprio in Django Unchained
You’ll be a slave to his charm and southern drawl.
Matthew McConaughey in Killer Joe
The things this man could do with a pair of sunglasses and a chicken drumstick…
Promethians in Prometheus
You won’t mind calling them your daddy.
Michael Fassbender in Prometheus
You can only hope he’s anatomically correct.
Bengal Tiger in Life of Pi
Its ferocity will devour you whole.
Marion Cotillard in The Dark Knight Rises
If looks could kill, we’d all be gh(o)uls.
Charlize Theron in Snow White and the Huntsman
This Queen’s “fairness” is never under question.
Smaug in The Hobbit
He will set your loins ablaze. [The fact that he is being voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch doesn’t hurt either]